Lauren Handy, the Director of Activism at Progressive Anti-Abortion Uprising, is serving a 57-month sentence for rescue activities she participated in at a Washington DC late-term abortion clinic in 2020.

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I didn’t think I would be writing out a 10-month reflection at the Alexander Detention Center. It has been over six weeks since my sentencing and this grey period has felt longer than my entire time here. But not all is lost! I have spent my time here growing and cultivating joy. If I could choose one song to encompass my time in Alexandria County jail I would choose “I Think I’m Growing” by Fletcher. Self-evident from the title my time here has been marked by a great internal change within myself.

I have grown more patient, resilient, and positive. I have even adopted daily gratitude and mindfulness practices. My most notable change? Becoming close friends with a pro-abort! Shocking I know! On the outside, I had the privilege (and possibly shortsightedness) to maintain a dogmatic approach to friendships. I would have never had the patience or gentleness needed to be friends with someone who is pro-abortion. And to be honest with the polarized environment on the outside I believe an abortion access proponent would have had the same sentiment about me. So what has changed?

Incarceration is the great equalizer. Everyone in the 2E Housing Unit is trying to survive under the same dehumanizing conditions as myself and in that co-struggle, comradery grows. You cannot reduce folks to 2D characters when you literally spend 24/7 with those same people day in and day out for weeks or months at a time. Their grief, joy, sorrow, and happiness become just as vital as your friends and family on the outside. People’s stories matter more than the reason they’ve come through these doors. For example, almost everyone has shared their pregnancy loss, abortion, or family separation story with me. There are even people who have recognized me from sidewalk counseling. With my history, I expected to be met with debate, resistance, and anger (like the full gambit on the outside). Instead a shared sense of vulnerability and gentleness has bloomed as we abide with each others’ stories. The type of comradery built over daily card games can’t be replicated on the outside.

So while I’m ready to leave 2E I’m not ready to leave my friends whom I’ve grown to care deeply about. We have cried together, laughed till our sides have hurt, and held each other’s pain when news from the outside trickles in. This is not to romanticize my situation but to show the complexity of people put in dehumanizing conditions.

This is reliance in action: to not fold under pressure even if you don’t feel calm or confident.

Am I scared? Yes. That’s a given. Some days so much so all I can do is hold my rosary beads and focus on my breathing. My inhale is the prayer and my exhale is the answer. I continue this search until I regain peace.

Our struggles build endurance, endurance produces character, and from character flows hope. This hope opened doors to my heart and allowed in a softness that wasn’t there before.

The strength of my convictions has helped me become who I am but it has also set up roadblocks to relationship building. But now I can hold this tension of seeing the goodness in others I deeply disagree with while maintaining my values. And that vulnerability has shown the fruits of friendships bloomed with people so vastly different than myself. On the outside, I would fight to be understood but in here I have gained the wisdom that it is better to understand than to be understood. This form of empathy puts both people on equal ground. From there life-giving change can occur. To transform our world into an easier place to thrive we need to set certain principles into motion, get people and those principles to interact, and then have faith in the outcome.

Hopefully, by the time this reaches you, I will be on the next part of my journey. Whatever federal prison I end up in will shape my path for the next couple of years. This makes a very uncertain future but for now, I will focus on what I can control: my attitude, my words, and my actions.

“I don’t know where I’m going But I think I’m growing”

Towards PreBorn Liberation,

Lauren Handy, Director of Activism PAAU